The Vicious Cycle

Sex is more than just hormones, secretions, and a few moments of ecstasy. The act of sexual intimacy in most cultures is also considered a spiritual experience meant to be shared by husband and wife. But, in today’s fast paced, and often selfish culture, sex has become something else. The intimacy cycle between husband and wife has gotten off. And today we are going to tackle that vicious cycle head on.

Photo Credit: delyalahblue via Compfight cc

If you have not read part one of this post I recommend reading it first. And, you can do that HERE.

So we have a basic understanding that men typically feel loved because their wife has sex with them; and wives typically want to feel loved before having sex with their husbands. This is good. The husband meets the wife’s needs, and the wife meets the husband’s needs. It’s a cycle that works. But, what happens when that cycle is off.

The cycle somehow got dropped out of the bed of the truck 87 miles back and it’s no where to be found? We now have wives withholding sex for months at a time, and husbands refusing to be relationally intimate with their wives, and are rather looking for sex through pornography and online relationships. Neither of these help the situation, but rather perpetuate the broken cycle.

This wonderful cycle actually works great when it is in proper working order. But, when it is not, it wreaks havoc on the marital relationship. It becomes a vicious cycle. Infidelity, pornography, emotional affairs and other crippling poisons can begin to seep in and destroy the marital relationship due to lack of intimacy both relationally and physically.


How to fix the cycle

The answer is really simple, honestly. It’s one of those times when the answer is just staring you in the face, but you can’t see the forest for the trees.

It comes down to getting the cycle back on track. One spouse must drop their pride and begin to meet the needs of the other. Husbands, if you want to have more sex with your wife, make more deposits in your spouses relational love account. Remember, she wants to feel loved before she has sex. Wives, if you want your husband to make you feel loved, make him feel loved.

So often our pride and/or selfishness and/or self centeredness stand between our problems and our solutions.

Remember, Proverbs 16:18 tells us,


Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before stumbling. (NASB)


When you are too prideful to cater to our spouse it will eventually lead to the breakdown of your relationship. Husbands, if you refuse to drop your pride to make your wife feel loved relationally, chances are you going to be left high and dry physically, which may end to your stumbling. Wives when you refuse to meet your husbands sexual needs because you refuse to drop your pride, often times he will find it somewhere, even if he’s not outright looking for it.

Remember friends, the devil prowls around like a roaring lion. Lions stalk low in the grass and you can’t see them until they are right on top of you. So will temptation and opportunity for stumbling. You will not even know it is there, until you’re in it. So if you are married and not having regular sexual intimacy, your playing with fire in your relationship.


Serving your spouse to break the cycle

Even when you don’t feel like it, you are called to serve your spouse (husbands and wives). Physically, emotionally, and relationally. You are no longer your own. You belong to your spouse, husbands to their wives, and wives to their husbands. (See Eph 5, Col 3, 1 Cor 7)

We must drop this game of charades when it comes to sex. Stop withholding from each other, which only allows the devil a foothold to destroy your relationship, many times from the inside out.

It is your responsibility, yeah I went there, your responsibility to your spouse (husbands and wives). I’m not ragging on one spouse or the other. It is the responsibility of each spouse to meet the other’s needs. And you know what fellas, your wife wants to feel loved before you have sex, so get to work on making relational deposits. Ladies, want to help them desire to do more? Give him a little incentive.

Because let’s face it, when that love and feeling loved cycle is off, it’s OFF, and the only way to fix it is that it starts with YOU. This is why marriages take work daily. You must intimately communicate what is going on with you.

You cannot expect your spouse to read your mind. Ladies if your withholding, tell your husbands why. (We are dumb. We don’t think like women, and need stuff spelled out plain as day.) Men, if you want more, explain yourself, and then make more deposits than the withdraws that you are asking for. (If you want sex 5 times a week, you better make a whole heck of a lot of relational deposits to cover those withdraws.) In doing this, it will help you avoid relational bankruptcy.

So here it is. The vicious cycle that flows greatly, or is shut down like a damn in the water way, only causing damage. So start today. If you are the spouse reading this, you fix the cycle today. Share this with your spouse, but you fix the cycle today.

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